There’s a lot of dysfunction in the world today, and people are wearing their unhealthy behaviors like a badge of honor.
You see it regularly on reality TV. The drunker you are, the better. The more lies you tell, the more drama you create. Just flip a few tables, hurl a few wine glasses, trot off to rehab defiantly, and, voilà, you’re an instant star—dysfunctional and proud of it!
I’ve done it. Not flip tables or hurl any glasses, but I used to show off my dysfunctional conduct years ago. Screaming fights. Yes. Hanging at the bar with a rough crowd. Yes. Staying in emotionally abusive relationships. Yes, yes, yes.
As a kid, I was powerless to change anything in my home. So as an adult, I wound up doing what anyone who has emerged from a beyond-their-control environment would do: I rebelled.
Of course, this was mostly a subconscious move on my part. But every once in a while, I’d catch myself creating unnecessary drama, and I’d secretly think, Hey, you don’t like it? Well, that’s tough. Because this is who I am, and this is what I do.
I was rebelling against the behaviors I hated by acting out the behaviors I hated.
Brilliant, huh?
Whereas the dysfunctionals on television get paid to push unhealthy scenarios, those of us who grew up with domestic violence or in other harmful situations are displaying the behaviors that spring from the core of our shaky foundation. They’re a part of our heritage.
You say you hate your background, but you’re emotionally tied to it. You say you’re nothing like your parents or guardians, brothers, sisters, aunts, and uncles, but you act just like them. These folks may have been reckless and abusive, narcissistic and controlling, but they’re all you’ve got. They’re family, and you respect the familial bond. Besides, it’s not all bad, is it?
So you carry on unhealthy “traditions,” unaware you’re doing so. You act out all kinds of craziness, oblivious to the mess you’re creating in your financial, work, and love life. And who’s going to stop you?
You.
You’re going to stop you.
You’re going to take respo nsibility. You're going to break with family culture and choose a functional existence.
Leave the extreme antics to the bad boys and mean girls of the TV reality world. Give up the destructive patterns you inherited and are perpetuating. They’re nothing to be proud of.
My parents and I were “different”–unconventional and artistic. But we had a whole other kind of different going on, too. We had a secret, a big, fat, ugly, scary secret called domestic violence.
Today, I’m not carrying this secret, so why should I still be burdened with the toxicity that goes with it?
What I’m happy to carry is the sense of fun and adventure that I also inherited from my parents. Dad’s humor and Mom’s fearlessness and determination, these elements of their legacy I embrace and wear with pride.
So unless you’re planning on heading over to central casting anytime soon, I recommend you leave the misbehavior behind. Choose to be the authentic you, not the aberrant version of you. Yesterday, you needed to adapt to fit into a dysfunctional environment. You did what you had to do to survive.
You are a survivor.
Wear that like a badge of honor.